Awkward Family Get-Togethers
November 28, 2014
It’s that time of year again when distant, long forgotten members of your
family decide to re-enter your lives for one night, and one night only. You get
dragged to the party in your best outfit (can’t let the distant cousins see you
in some shabby jeans now can we?) and forced to spend what seems like a year
having painful memories inflicted upon you by people you are sure you’ve never
met!
Remember that Uncle from when you were 4? Of course not, but he likes to remind you of the time you were a bridesmaid for your (equally distant) cousin’s wedding and how cute you looked with your “Little chubby cheeks!” Or remember your mum’s third cousin, twice removed? Well she likes to reminisce about the time you peed in her bathtub whilst having a bath aged 2. And all the while you are stuck there, listening to them drone on whilst thinking “HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THIS STUFF?!” and “when can I get out of here?” Well, the simple answer is, you can’t. You are stuck there, wedged between a wall and your sweaty cousin (that amount of sweat can’t be normal!) until they get bored and move onto their next ‘victim’. That’s just the way it is… one day, you might be a distant relative and then you can exact your revenge...
Remember that Uncle from when you were 4? Of course not, but he likes to remind you of the time you were a bridesmaid for your (equally distant) cousin’s wedding and how cute you looked with your “Little chubby cheeks!” Or remember your mum’s third cousin, twice removed? Well she likes to reminisce about the time you peed in her bathtub whilst having a bath aged 2. And all the while you are stuck there, listening to them drone on whilst thinking “HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THIS STUFF?!” and “when can I get out of here?” Well, the simple answer is, you can’t. You are stuck there, wedged between a wall and your sweaty cousin (that amount of sweat can’t be normal!) until they get bored and move onto their next ‘victim’. That’s just the way it is… one day, you might be a distant relative and then you can exact your revenge...
But until that time comes, here are some amusing ways to keep you from
driving yourself insane:
- Smile and nod at whatever your mum says… chances are it’s something about how you wanted to be a cat aged 5, but it’s better to let her have this moment than ruining it by saying that you wanted to be cat woman because… well…she’s cool!
- Count how many times your weird Uncle fixes his toupee, or how many profiteroles your fat cousin steals, or maybe how many alcoholic beverages you are consuming (seriously… STOP!)
- Write a list of your recent achievements; “Oh Jimmy, what have you been up to these days?” “Well, that’s funny you asked because I have recently returned from Africa where I built Spaceships for the needy, and I have smashed 13 Guinness World records using just my elbow… oh and I have also become an ambassador for the ‘Save the Chihuahua’ campaign in Guatemala, you?”
- Take headphones. Even if you aren’t listening to any music, you can plug these in and simply ignore everyone who tries to talk to you, without looking like a complete d-bag!
- Let your crazy Great-Aunt call you by another name all evening, even if that name is of your toupee wearing, chubby cheek grabbing Uncle who is called Bob.
- Most importantly, realise that this is only one night of your life and that tomorrow, you can go back to spending 14 hours a day plating C.O.D. and browsing Tumblr…
Thanks for reading, hope that didn’t bring back too many bad memories from past Christmas parties! J
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