Before I start this review, I just want to say that this post contains MAJOR spoilers for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom so if you've not seen it yet, then I did warn you...

By now everyone knows of the Jurassic Park/World franchise and knows that where genetically modified dinosaurs are concerned, chaos usually follows. While the Jurassic Park reboot of the franchise is basically just a copy and paste of the original series, I still love them and they're entertaining so I don't really mind that the storylines are a little repetitive. But I have noticed that, while they do feature some cool dinosaurs, the (male) human characters are, well... stupid.

So here is a list of all the cool dinosaurs, and all the stupid men of the new movie (spoilers duh!)

First off, this idiot:

B.D. Wong as Dr Henry Wu

Ok, so if you're familiar with the Jurassic Park series then you'll recognise this man, Dr Henry Wu. In the original series, he was one of the team of geneticists that helped create the dinosaurs. Yes, he was only one of a team but still, if it wasn't for him, Jurassic Park wouldn't have happened so he has to take some blame here.

You'd think after the events of Jurassic Park where dinosaurs wreak havoc and, you know, kill people he would sit back and be like 'my bad, maybe I'll just go do a desk job, don't want that to happen again!' But does he?

NO!

He appears again in Jurassic World as the main f*****g geneticist who is basically the brain behind the whole park where genetically modified dinosaurs roam free! He is also the idiot behind the movie's killer dinosaur, the Indomunus Rex which, if you've forgotten, is a mixture of many dinosaurs including the T-Rex! What kind of idiot mixes together multiple dinosaurs, including the scariest one, just so some kids can be scared for three seconds? No woman would do this! I am sure, she would be like 'nah, maybe that ain't a good idea, how about another stegosaurus!' But not Dr Wu, he gives no care for the natural order of things and just grabs his genetic mixing bowl and gets to work.

After the Indominus Rex breaks free, wreaks havoc and, you know kills people Dr Wu flees with his research. But does he learn his lesson?

NO!

Back again in Fallen Kingdom, Dr Wu decides 'hmm, that one hybrid dinosaur that wreaked havoc and killed people just wasn't good enough, I know I'll make an even better killer dinosaur that I can weaponise to kill people!'

Needless to say, that bad boi gets loose and you know KILLS PEOPLE! Someone lock Dr Wu up because he is a danger to his own species and the species of dinosaurs! It's been 25 years and he still hasn't learned his lesson! *sigh*

Cool Dino #1:


She was cool in the first movie, she is still cool in the second movie, ladies and gentlemen I present Blue the raptor. Round of applause for saving Chris Pratt's beautiful face not once but twice! You da one Blue, there is a reason Beyonce named her kid after you (I know Blue Ivy is older ok but a gal can dream...)

Idiot #2:

Rafe Spall as Eli Mills

Is he attractive? Yes
Is he an idiot? YES!

So this guy has the entirety of Benjamin Lockwood's fortune to spend and invest and what does he do? Decide to sell dinosaurs to the highest bidder to continue (wait for it) Dr Wu's research! If there is anyone that does not need more money it's Dr Wu. If there is any research that does not need to be done, it's into dinosaurs. Also this guy is a dick to children and women so he deserves his place on this list.

Cool Dino #2:



This is a Stygimoloch, it has a hard shell-like armour on it's head that makes it the perfect creature to smash things. At one point, Ginger lady and Chris Pratt are trapped in a cell and this lil fella smashes down all the walls to help them escape. If it weren't for this guy (or gal, it's hard to tell what gender the dinos are) they would still be trapped in a cell so hurrah for Styggy!

Idiot #3:

James Cromwell as Benjamin Lockwood

Ok, so this guy isn't an idiot the whole way through the movie, in fact, you actually kinda like him until Eli Mills opens his big fat mouth and suddenly old Mr Lockwood turns into GIANT IDIOT MR LOCKWOOD.

Lockwood (whom you might remember from the original series as Richard Attenborough's bestie) has a 'granddaughter' with whom he is close. She is all he has left after the death of his daughter and she will inherit his fortune once he dies.

HOWEVER

Thanks to Eli, lil grandaughter Masie learns that she isn't Lockwood's granddaughter at all but a clone of his actual daughter!

A clone!

An actual clone.

No wonder Richard Attenborough (and therefore Father Christmas) wanted nothing to do with him, this guy cloned his own daughter!!!! Why would you do this old man? Why not grieve and move on like the rest of us? Why were you a giant idiot and cloned a literal human?! That is so wrong on many levels. I trusted you old man!!

Cool Dino #3:


This is a Brachiosaurus, whom I named Sandra. Sandra gets left behind when the volcano erupts. Sandra deserved so much more from this world. RIP Sandra.

#justiceforsandra


Idiot #4:

Ted Levine as Ken Wheatley

In every movie there is that one idiot who usually happens to be in the army and acts all tough, but then ultimately gets eaten by a dinosaur... well, that's this guy.

Called in to 'rescue' the dinos from the Jurassic World island, Ken is actually a noob who decides to create a necklace from the teeth of the innocent dinos. This guy voluntarily sticks his hand into a dinosaur's mouth so he can have a gross necklace!? He is also the idiot that lets loose Dr Wu's second hybrid dinosaur, the Indoraptor (which is part Indominus Rex and Velociraptor! Dr Wu come on!!!!)

Here is the scenario: Dinosaurs get loose and trash the place, everyone runs screaming away from the place where all the dinos came from (you know, that's sensible). Ken sees this, and is like 'hmm, you know what I'm gonna go directly into where the people have just run away from because I am a man and I want my pay rise. Ooh look, a shiny new dino in a cage, get me some of that!' He sees the Indoraptor and shoots it with a couple of tranquilisers (which is the most sensible thing he does the entire movie) before entering the cage and attempting to pluck a few of the Indoraptor's teeth. Needless to say, the Indoraptor isn't too happy about this and turns Ken into a lil snack.

Poor Ken, so stupid, so naive to believe he could rule over a species that were on this planet way longer than the human race has been alive. Idiot.

Not an Idiot #1:


Finally, we conclude with this gem of a man. He makes this list not because he is an idiot, and not because he is a cool dinosaur, but because he is Jeff Goldblum and we all know Jeff Goldblum can do no wrong. Actually he speaks the only sense in the entire movie so 'four for you Jeff Goldblum, you go Jeff Goldblum!'

Also:

You're welcome

In conclusion; this is all Dr Wu's fault and he should be stopped and never allowed inside a lab again, he has done too much and I don't think I can sit through another movie which bascially just a compilation of Dr Wu continually messing up...